Confessions of a Viet Nam Vet
by 8brains
Summary: I did a little rewrighting and correcting! An old Army buddy comes by to see Max, and asks him to do something horrible with him. I suck at summaries. basically it's about what his old Army buddy asks him to do and how he reacts to it one shot


**Thank you to Eriala for constructive criticism I think I improved this story for the better!**

**Sorry if this sucks, this story was just floating around in my head and wouldn't leave so I wrote it down and decided to share with you wonderful people!**

**Diclaimer: I do not own Across the Universe or any of it's charaters blah blah blah. I do own Bobby Smith though**

_I really am getting better._

The thought had randomly occurred to Max, as he sat in the 'whatever room' with everyone. They were laughing and joking around, and he was laughing with them.

Never being the one to put much thought into things, especially after the war; he went with it, and he found that it was easy to be happy now. He could remember a time, when he would sit curled up in a ball in his room and listen to the sounds of the ever-busy apartment, pretending to be asleep whenever Lucy came to check on him. But that was then, and now he was better, not fully but he was getting there. He didn't even wake up screaming anymore.

A knock at the door disrupted the peace Max was just really getting into. Nobody moved, not wanting to get up.

After several more knocks Jude got up.

"Don't get up." He sighed looking directly at Max.

Max responded to this by smirking and putting his feet up on the table.

Everyone had their eyes on Jude. It couldn't be anyone they knew; otherwise they would've just waltzed in.

There was a cough and then, "Does Maxell Carrigian live here?"

Now everyone looked at Max, but Max kept his eyes on the door. The voice sounded familiar he just couldn't place his finger on it.

"Who's using my full name?" he called.

Jude threw him a hesitant look, Max could tell that if he said the word Jude would slam the door shut, bolt it and never open it again. _Who is at the fucking door?_

Max sighed and heaved himself off the couch, he pushed Jude out of the way to get a good look at the person who seemed to scare Jude so much.

He was about to open his mouth to tell the man to go away, but then he caught his eye and immediately knew why he couldn't put his finger on the familiar voice. He'd never heard it, without trembling fear in it. Max could feel the color drain from his face, before him stood the bulky brown-haired man the had been sent home only a few weeks before him, the man that saved his life countless times when he was too scared to move. He was wearing his army uniform.

"Smith." Was all he could whisper.

The man smiled in return, grateful for the recognition.

"It's good too see you man, I've gotta admit I was worried about you after I got shot."

Max was dumbfounded, he'd never expected anyone he knew from the army to come here, to his home, his sanctuary, let alone sound so…he couldn't find the word, healthy maybe?

"I- I'm alive." He mumbled, still staring in disbelief. He could feel Jude's worried stare on him, and if could think properly he would've laughed off his reaction as surprise and invited Smith in for a smoke or something.

"Have you heard from Dodge? I've been trying to get hold of him but it's like he just-"

"Dodge is dead." Max cut him off.

Smith's eyes immediately went to floor.

"Is there a reason for your visit?" Max hissed, he was beginning to regain composure but instead of doing what he should, brushing off the whole visit and at least pretending to be happy to see Smith, he was angry. What right did he have to be here? Why did he to come and remind of the things he was trying so hard to forget?

"I need to talk to you." Smith mumbled, picking up on the venom in Max's voice. He nodded and gestured for him to come in.

He almost laughed as when he saw everyone's faces go from worried to horrified.

"Everyone this is uh-" Max looked to Smith.

"Bobby." He whispered in Max's ear.

"Bobby Smith. Bobby Smith this is everyone." Sadie raised a curious eyebrow at him.

"You don't know each other's first name's?"

"It's easier that way" Max and Smith said in unison. Out of the corner of his eye he saw JoJo nod in understanding.

Max led Smith into his room and closed the door. He leaned against the wall and watched Smith examine his room.

"You wanted to talk?" he hissed. Smith laughed an exasperated laugh.

"Yeah, well, I met these guys last month and today we're this sort of doing this war protest thing, and we're pretty sure it's gonna have a major effect. Course none of us are gonna be around to see it but- anyway, It's today and I saw what the war did to you especially, and I thought you might want the option, took me a month to get up the courage to ask you though."

Max was definitely confused. What the hell was he talking about?

"Smith," he was hesitant, Max wasn't sure he wanted to know what him and these other guys were doing, "What exactly are you going to do?". He said each word slowly. A huge grin spread across Smith's face.

"We're gonna do it!" he exclaimed

Max was still confused.

"What exactly are you going to do?" Smith frowned in disappointment, he thought Max would've caught on by now.

"We're gonna…kill ourselves."

Max could see Smith's eyes light up with relief when he said it, and although he wanted to punch his lights out he couldn't blame Smith. Max could imagine how relaxing that would be, he let himself ponder for a minute no more nightmares, no more regret, just whatever came after death.

Max heard a bump on the door, to quiet to be a knock. They were listening. He walked to the other side of the room. He thought about what he should do, he should open the door and beat the shit out of everyone, but some part of him wanted them to hear this, just so they could get a glimpse of what was going on inside his head.

"You can't tell me it wouldn't be a relief, man."

"It would"

"Then come with us."

"How's your wife?" Max suddenly remembered Smith bragging about his wife on more then occasion at base camp. He'd obviously hit a nerve, Smith's face became noticeably regretful.

"What did you do to her?" Max tried not to repress the anger and guilt he felt bubbling inside him. Hurting the one he supposedly loved. It was inexcusable.

"She snuck up behind me."

"I see." Max glanced toward the door, wondering if Lucy was remembering the day he came home from the hospital. She'd snuck up behind him, and put her hands over his eyes. He remembered so clearly, he heard the screams, the bombs, and he saw the blood. Desperate to get out he started throwing punches and one landed right on Lucy's jaw. They had never talked about it.

"She left me, and my parents are talking about sending me to nut house man, I can't do this anymore, you can't tell me it's not the same for you here!" Smith was shouting now. He could see in Max's eyes that he wasn't going to do this.

"I saw the way they looked at you back there! Like you were about to freak out! How do you stand it? You can't tell me it would be easier to just stay here and rot!"

"I'm getting better." Max's voice was a determined whisper next to Smith's desperate yell. It took Smith obvious effort to calm himself down.

"You don't have nightmares then?"

"Of course I do."

"Then why won't you do this? What else do you have to live for?"

"I didn't fight so hard for my life, just to off myself now." Max snapped.

Smith smirked and sat down on his bed.

"It's funny. They boys always said you'd be the first to off yourself, with all those screaming nightmares, and they way you would freeze when the time came to fight, and now you're the only one still holding onto a normal life, I've talked to some of the boys, there mostly drinking themselves to death."

"Are they participating in this protest?" Max didn't know why he was still talking. He honestly didn't care about the answer to his question. He should just tell Smith if he wanted to kill himself he would've done it by now and to get the hell out, but his mind kept returning to his roommates, and all he could think was, _they need to know._

Smith was still smirking; Max didn't even try to guess what he was thinking.

"Yeah." Max wasn't surprised.

"Why do you want me to do this with you?"

"Promise not to yell?"

"No."

Smith laughed, but it was more like a bark compared to the obnoxious throaty sound he had used in boot camp.

"You're not going to like it." He whispered. He looked up at Max, when he saw the anger and curiosity in his eyes he sighed.

"It's Kind of like, if you kill yourself it makes me less pathetic." He laughed again, this Max laughed with him.

There was an awkward silence.

"Don't kill yourself man." Max whined, hesitantly breaking the silence. Smith looked up at him, Max noticed he was crying.

"Why not?"

"Because it's insane?" Max suggested. This was beginning to make him slightly annoyed, first the guy just shows up out of no where reminding him of these things he's been carefully repressing, then asks him to kill himself, so he could feel less pathetic, and now he was suppose to be some saint and comfort him? This is not what Max wanted to do, he much rather go back into the corner and just curl into a ball, like before.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Max asked, he could hear the desperation his voice, but he couldn't bring himself to kick Smith out.

"I thought you'd want too." Smith whimpered.

"You think I don't?" Max couldn't suppress his anger anymore. "You don't think it wouldn't be the most relaxing thing in the world to just end it all right now? You think it wouldn't be a relief to not have to say I'm fine when really I'm all fucked up? Believe me man, It would be the biggest relief of my life, but guess what? I've people out there that are worrying there fucking heads off about weather or not I'm going to be all right! Do you have any idea how much it makes me hate myself when I think about disappointing them like that!"

Max took a deep breathe, he wondered what Jude was thinking, what Sadie was thinking. Where they still listening? He was yelling pretty loudly.

"Your right." Smith mumbled. He stood up and walked towards the door.

"So what? You're going to go kill yourself now? After all that ranting I did?"

Smith smiled, as he turned the doorknob, but didn't answer. Max knew he would never see him again, but he didn't regret yelling at him like that. It was worth trying.

"Bye Smith."

"Bye Carrigian."

Max ran a hand threw his hair when he saw everyone standing at the doorway; Lucy had tears in her eyes. This is what he was afraid of. Max hated confrontation with a passion, but they deserved to know.

Lucy ran toward him, enveloping him into a bear hug.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered. Max laughed.

"For what?"

"When he talked about you killing yourself, I thought- I thought you might-" She was choking back sobs. Max grabbed her shoulders, looked straight into her eyes and smiled.

"You thought I would actually kill myself? Come on Luce, Can you imagine how horribly boring your life would be without me?"

She laughed and brought him back into a hug.

_I really am getting better._

**Reviews would be nice, I could use some writing tips!**


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